We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
