So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
