At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
