when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
smell my finger.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You have to summon your inner elephant
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
