This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
