It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
