Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
