So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
