I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
