so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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