alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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