My cat gives me a boner
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
