My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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