And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
