You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
