i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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