So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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