so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
