i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
