She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
