Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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