The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
No...this little piggys going to the bar
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
That accounts for only three of the penises
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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