well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
