Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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