Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
