he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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