no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
