I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
