Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
