Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
