Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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