he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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