Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
third nipple confirmed
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
