so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
