So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
