i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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