How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
