News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
