I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
