don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
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I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
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the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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