Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
