I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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