Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
