If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
