My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
