hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
