her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
