Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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