i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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