her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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