I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
