it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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