My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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