I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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