Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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