I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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