I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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